Forever Behind

That is what I feel like right now; like I will be forever behind and not able to catch up on anything. 
My office at work is a disaster; the end of the year gets me every time.  I almost said the "approach of the end of the year", but then I realized it's November 27th.  NOVEMBER 27th!!!!  That's right at the end of the year, people!!
I have 2 care plans due in a week and a half, and then a final exam just a couple of days after that.  Plus a clinical makeup day that I had to miss when Pops died.  Which means a 1/2 day of work missed which means a 1/2 day of stuff to pile up on top of the already piled up stuff. 
Laundry is mounded over again.  If it's mounded over dirty, Ben washes it and mounds it up clean for me to fold.  So it's mounded over again, one way or another.
My mind is full of things I need to do, want to do, wish I had time to do...I just don't know where to start.  And when I start feeling like this, what do I do?  ...I shut down and just try to avoid it all.  Which so obviously is the perfect solution, right? 

But I'm trying to focus on the silver linings and make it through this time of year.
Thank God I have a job to go to every day, that pays the bills and puts food on our table and clothes on our floor.
Thank God I made it into the nursing program.  I b*#$% and moan about it a lot, but every now and then I remember the excitement I had upon getting accepted into the program, or remember the patient that told me I was the only one he trusted to take care of him, and  then I am renewed. (But good Lord what was he thinking?!?!) 
Thank God I have clothes in order to pile up on the floor, whether they be clean or dirty.
Thank God that I am capable of doing some of the things I need, want, or wish to do.  Some people aren't so lucky.

It's just a spell, and this too shall pass, but that's where I am.  I have a post to finish about our trip to Florida...That we took back in July.  I have football pictures to share.  I have Halloween pictures to share.  I will soon have Christmas pictures to start sharing.  But until I'm no longer behind, all of that will just have to wait. 

But I do have one quick thing to share.  Thanksgiving was this past Thursday which marked one week since Pawpaw passed.  I would be lying if I said I was feeling very thankful.  I wasn't.  I thought I was okay with his passing and with the thought and faith that he's no longer suffering, but apparently I'm less okay with it than I thought.  In fact, I very much wish he was still here.  Not in the state he was in of course, but in his healthier state from my childhood.  I did not quite realize just how much I enjoyed just having his presence around.  I miss that presence.  Every single time I've been to MamaJean's since his death, I have missed his presence.  So I was having a hard time being as thankful as I should have been on Thanksgiving. 
As our tradition goes, we all go around the room and tell what we are thankful for.  My dad started, and then I was next.  All I could get out of my mouth was that I was thankful we were all together.  Which was only partially true because we weren't all together.  Pawpaw was not there.  Ben went, someone else went, Russell said he was thankful that it was almost Christmas...  And then Brandon went.  And Brandon says "I'm thankful for Pawpaw."  How did those words ever come out of my little 4 year old's mouth?  He has a much bigger heart and grasp for things than I could have ever dreamed.  It was precious.  Absolutely precious. 
I had what for me was the hardest day since Pawpaw's funeral on the Sunday after Thanksgiving.  I cried off and on all day thinking about things, wishing that things maybe had been different.  On Monday, I was doing better, but still could not get Pawpaw off my mind.  My lips were chapped, so I pulled my chapstick out of my purse and put it on...And felt something on my lip.  A feather.  Yet again, that little sign that he was with me.  Thank you Pops.  I know it will all be okay.  Thank you, God, for the reminder that you do comfort and that your presence is always with me if I open my eyes to it.  I miss you Pops.